The Official Darshymania 2011-2012 NFL Season Preview - NFC

Now that Week 2 of the Preseason is over, it's time to preview the NFC...which is much harder to do than the AFC. The NFC has a mind-boggling number of quality teams and a bunch of teams on the up and up. It's a lot more muddled than the AFC. Now, time to put this one down like Casey Anthony (ok ok...my bad).

Did she eat her baby too?

NFC

NFC West


1. Seattle Seahawks - Expect more of the same from this division. No team has stood out in the offseason and separated itself from the pack. My pick of Seattle winning the division is contingent on one thing: Charlie Whitehurst starting. Whitehurst, at times last year, looked very competent for Pete Carroll and won the final game of the season over the Rams to get into the playoffs so Carroll decides to dump long time Seahawk Matt Hasselbeck and bring in Tarvaris Jackson and hand the starting spot to Jackson...T-Jackshit is the worst quarterback in the league. I was ready to give up my Redskins fandom if my team had signed him and would not follow the team while he was on the roster. I don't know how any team can take a chance on him. If Jackson starts, this team is finishing last in the division. After the first two preseason games, I hope Carroll seriously reconsiders his decision...for the sake of the fans in the Great Northwest.

2. St. Louis Rams - I originally had the Rams lower, but then I realized how bad this division actually is. This would be a major disappointment to Rams brass and fans alike - many are already pegging in the Rams for the playoffs. Apparently I missed something but Sam Bradford is best thing since sliced bread and Tim Tebow..As of now in his career, Bradford has proved nothing but for being a check-down specialist and leading the Rams to a ...7-9 record! Since when does going 7-9 mean you are the next Joe Montana? Now, I know the Rams have added weapons to the offense and Josh McDaniels has taken over as Quarterbacks coach, but how much better is the team really? Give it time Rams fans. You're still more lambs than Rams.

3. San Francisco 49ers - Jim Harbaugh leaves Palo Alto for the confines of San Francisco and has to deal with Alex Smith and Colin Kaepernick, who by the way was sacked his first three snaps in the NFL. Welcome kid. The 49ers could win this division if they get competent quarterback play. If Smith proves he's actually worthy of the jersey that he wears, this team has more offensive weapons than any other team in the division. If not, expect to see Harbaugh in the sweepstakes for his old sweetheart, Andrew Luck.

Maybe Harbaugh is in fact going after Luck...

4. Arizona Cardinals - Larry Fitzgerald just signed a 8 year 120 million dollar contract with 50 million dollars guaranteed. Meanwhile, the Cardinals are putting their hope on the arm of Kevin Kolb, a quarterback who has played all of four games for the Eagles. I don't see it...and besides didn't anyone see how Andy Reid's quarterbacks never seem to succeed anywhere else they go: A.J. Feely, Koy Detmer, Donovan McNabb and now soon to be Kevin Kolb.

What the hell ever happened to Koy Detmer?

 NFC South

1. Atlanta Falcons - The complete opposite of the NFC West, the NFC South might be the best division in all of football. The Falcons and Saints will battle it out to win the division and after giving up the city of Atlanta itself to acquire Julio Jones, the Falcons better have an offense that surpasses the Rams of 99, the Colts of 2005, and the Patriots of 2007. Signing Ray Edwards for the defense will help a ton, especially after the Falcons exit in the playoffs last year. It's time for Matt Ryan to step up in the playoffs.

2. New Orleans Saints - Sure, the Saints are going to be awesome this year and will most likely win the division or the wild card, but let's talk about what's really important: how I was right about Reggie Bush and how WRONG everyone else was. Before the 2006 NFL Draft, everyone, and I mean everyone -Mel Kiper, Mike Mayock, your mom, you, Mel Kiper's mom - all were on Reggie Bush's jock strap...except for me and a few others who clearly realized that speed backs who can't run inside have a tough time running around equally fast defenses. Sure the Saints won a Super Bowl and Bush contributed, but he is nowhere near the players people thought he was. There were 14 Probowlers selected in the first round of the 2006 NFL Draft and none were named Reggie Bush. Good Luck Miami!

Maurice Jones-Drew was picked 58 picks after Reggie Bush...

3. Tampa Bay Buccaneers - Josh Freeman is young. OMG! He's good! OMG! He's mobile! OMG! The Bucs are really young! OMG! They have four top draft picks on the defensive line! OMG! Just like the old days! OMG! They're going to be awesome! OMG! They're going to the playoffs! OMG! Just not this year! WTF!

All Hail the Black Panther!

4. Carolina Panthers - As you all know, I love Cam Newton. He's a phenomenal talent who is misunderstood by a crapload of people, especially in the media. The Panthers have a bright future...BUT would have a brighter future if they played in any other division. It will take a while for Ron Rivera to build up his team so it can compete with the Saints and Falcons. At least, the fans have something to be excited about. All Hail Cam Newton, the Black Panther.

NFC North

1. Green Bay Packers - The defending Super Bowl Champions should not have many problems getting back to the playoffs. Aaron Rodgers is still Aaron Rodgers. The defense is still headed by Dom Capers. They get at least five players back from injury...including Ryan Grant. Lights out NFC North.

Ryan Grant has looked like his old self in the preseason.

2. Chicago Bears - The Bears will probably have a ho-hum season led by Jay Cutler throwing 24 touchdowns and 23 interceptions and will sit out the final game to get into the playoffs because of a broken toenail. Also, when the zombies come to kill his family, Cutler won't fight back because he will be in the toilet due to constipation.

3. Detroit Lions - The Lions are considered and up and coming team and both Nick Fairley and Mikel Leshoure both get injured in the off season - Fairley will be back some time in the regular season, but Leshoure is out for the year. Hopefully, Matthew Stafford, Calvin Johnson, and Ndamakong Suh to their usual thing to keep the Lions afloat (and for Stafford, I actually mean the unusual and not get hurt). Speaking of Suh, does Vegas have an over/under on how much he is going to be fined this season?

Mike Leshoure will have to wait to play in the NFL.

4. Minnesota Vikings - Every team has a story line and the Vikings' storyline is that by bringing in a 34 year old quarterback, they actually became younger at the position. How depressing if you're a Vikings fan. Oh yeah, let's not forget that the team also took a quarterback in the first round, who many considered a reach and was drafted at least 15 picks too early...At least Adrian Peterson will be rushing 300 times and will be taking 300 hits...wait that's not good either (Thank god for Toby Gerhart).


NFC East

1. New York Giants - After punting their way out of the playoffs last year, the Giants are ready to go. Jason Pierre-Paul has taken over for Osi Umenyora and now with the hot seat on Tom Coughlin's ass so hot that he's blowing out smoke, expect the Giants to come back with a vengeance. People are going to think I'm absolutely crazy for this pick, but now I will explain why the...

2. Philadelphia Eagles - will NOT make the playoffs:

1. Andy Reid's coaching - The man can't win a big game to save his life. He's been there for 12 years and the Eagles have always choked down the stretch.
2. Michael Vick's health - Vick is never a safe bet to stay healthy going into December. His style of play is prone to injury and last time I checked, the Eagles offensive line isn't the hogs.
3. Vince Young might have to step in - I am a Vince Young fan and even I don't believe he can deal with the pressure of playing in Philly. Unfortunately, Tennessee might have been one of the least pressurized situations in the NFL and he screwed that up.
4. Too many egos - In 2000, the Redskins were coming off a second round playoff appearance and in the offseason added two picks in the top five -Chris Samuels and Lavar Arrington - and a plethora of free agents, many of whom were headed to the Hall of Fame: Deion Sanders, Bruce Smith, Andre Reed, Irving Fryar, Mark Carrier, Jeff George etc. The Redskins started off 6-2 before imploding and finishing 8-8. Too many egos..one team.
5. The football gods - Just like Cleveland will never win a championship, the Eagles will have to wait till the end of eternity as well. Suck it Philly.

Vince Young in his finest hour...

3. Washington Redskins - I might be committing blasphemy by saying the Redskins will finish in third place in the division (The the last time Redskins fans didn't think their team would win the division, Jefferson was buying the Louisiana territory from Napoleon). However, this team will be better than people think. The defense is vastly upgraded - adding Barry Cofield, Stephen Bowen, Jarvis Jenkins, Ryan Kerrigan, Josh Wilson, and OJ Atogwe will do that. The offense, which was scaring me shit less before this week, might actually be decent. John Beck looked more than competent in his first start against the Colts and hopefully that continues into the regular season. What sucks now is if John Beck proves to be competent and wins, the Redskins can kiss goodbye to Andrew Luck. Sigh...even when we win, we lose. 

P.S. Pick your sides now. Team Jacob vs. Team Edward doesn't have shit on Team Beck vs. Team Rex.

Although Beck vs. Grossman is riveting, I'd rather have (Andrew) Luck.

 4. Dallas Cowboys - Dallas fans are sure to be irate with me, but I really don't care. That team is not that good. Cowboy fan are kidding themselves if they think last year was an aberration. It's time to understand that the Cowboys' talent has been overrated for years and Tony Romo is at best, a quarterback who will get you into the playoffs and that's it. If I hear anyone say he is right behind Manning, Brady, Rivers, and Roethlisberger, I'm going to chop their head off with my naginta.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I would like you guys to take a moment of silence for the marriage of Kim Kardashian with Kris Humphries. Anyone else find it funny that tabloids refer to Kris Humphries as a NBA star. This is almost as bad as Marko Jaric being married to Adriana Lima. Seriously. Marko Jaric.

I really don't need to say anything.

The Official Darshymania 2011-2012 NFL Season Preview - AFC

The first week of Preseason games are about to be wrapped up so we know absolutely nothing about any of the teams. So logically, this is the perfect time to make predictions about the NFL season and an even more logical time to throw my support behind Rick Perry. Anything is better than Michele Bachman (other than the doofus we already have as President). So here we go, the first annual 2011-2012 NFL Season Preview.

Rick Perry looks awfully Presidential..

AFC


AFC West

1. San Diego Chargers - There is no possible way the Chargers repeat what happened last season. Philip Rivers is too good and the Chargers are way too talented. Sounds like a done deal right? No. There are four factors that could derail the Chargers' season:

1.If the Special Teams do not improve
2. If Ryan Matthews does not develop into a quality running back
3. If Norv Turner is himself.
4. The next team on this list.

2. Kansas City Chiefs - The Chiefs surprised everyone and made a run to the playoffs last year. In the offseason, they got even better, adding Steve Breaston, Leron McClain, and Jared Gaither to an offense that already was phenomenal. Dwayne Bowe has come into camp in the best shape of his life - by the way, how is it that every year, there are 20 or so players who always report in the best shape of their lives? Yet, I don't have the Chiefs winning the division. Why? Because the Chargers are damn good and I don't trust Matt Cassel..at all.

On a side note, I don't put much stock into preseason football, but the Chiefs' offense in their first game was something from a grainy 1930s film before Knute Rockne invented the forward pass. That was distressing to watch.

Expect to see a lot of this. Jamaal Charles is a baad man.

3. Oakland Raiders - I actually appreciate the Raiders' talent, besides Jason Campbell. They have a very strong running game and their receivers are pretty solid other than colossal bust Darius Heyward-Bey. The defense is one of the best in the league. Too bad the league is a quarterbacks league and Jason Campbell can't lead a fish to water.

4. Denver Broncos - Kyle Orton sucks. I really don't care what anyone else says. Kyle Orton has always been a below-average quarterback, who put up ridiculous stats last year because Josh McDaniel was a pass-happy psycho head coach. It's the same reason Brandon Lloyd put up his mega-stats. Tebow might be better than Orton. Give him a chance. The Broncos, on the other hand, are no where near the rest of the division.


AFC South

1. Houston Texans - Say whattt?! The Texans, for the last five years, have been the surprise team, the media darling before the season starts. It's finally time for them to win the division. If they don't, Gary Kubiak has go tot be fired. The defense finally has pieces and a legitimate defensive coordinator - Wade Phillips. Too bad he couldn't cut it as a head coach. What a bubbly man.

No Wade, it's not your fault the Cowboys suck. They just suck.

2. Indianapolis Colts - It's finally the season the Colts and Peyton Manning take a step back...or is it? This is probably the dumbest prediction I"ve made, but betting against Manning is like sticking your hand in a fire and expecting it to not hurt. It just doesn't happen. However, with his neck injury and his increasing age, I'm expecting a few more nagging injuries and Dan Orlovsky to step in to the starting quarterback spot at some point this season - a scenario, which no one wants to see.

3. Jacksonville Jaguars - This is most likely David Garrard's last season starting at quarterback before he joins the ranks of Aaron Brooks, Jeff Blake, Daunte Culpepper, and Rodney Peete as black ex-starting quarterbacks who will go through three teams in the next four years as a backup. Blaine Gabbert looks ready to start. The loss of Mike Sims-Walker will hurt, but once again the offense will run through MJD. (Speaking of dumb predictions, who was the idiot that projected MJD to be a bust on draft day? Oh wait, that was me...)

I miss Jeff Blake throwing to Darnay Scott and Carl Pickens.

4. Tennessee Titans - Why does Matt Hasselbeck at quarterback not scare anyone ? Because it shouldn't. Hasselbeck has been done for at least two years and his arm strength is greatly deteriorating. Jake Locker will be in by Week 10. Chris Johnson doesn't want to come to camp and might hold out into the season. Kenny Britt is probably getting arrested as we speak. Thank god the defense is decent - Jason Jones is going to have a huge season playing all over the defensive line - because in Nashville, it's going to be a long year.

AFC North 

1.Pittsburgh Steelers - As long as the Pittsburgh Steelers have Big Ben, I really don't think I'll pick any other team to win the division. No one else can beat him. I also hear the defense is pretty good..

2. Cleveland Browns - The Browns are going to make a strong push for the playoffs, beginning with the defense stepping it up a notch. Phil Taylor at defensive tackle will make a bigger impact than people are predicting. Don't underestimate Peyton Hillis either.

Attempting to tackle Peyton Hillis could be a punishment in GITMO.

3. Baltimore Ravens - I know a lot of people will take issue with this, but the Ravens did not make any moves to help the offense until acquiring Lee Evans late last week. The offensive line is horrendous - Michael Oher, despite his fame, cannot play left tackle. Matt Birk needs to get back asap and he's not even that good. Michael Vick and the Eagles marched right down the field against the vaunted defense, which might be getting too old to keep up with the rest of the NFL. This might be it for Ray Lewis and Ed Reed.


4. Cincinatti Bengals - I really don't need to say anything, but if the Bengals are serious about winning, which is always in doubt, then they need to trade Carson Palmer for whatever they can get for him. This team is not good enough to play hardball with one of its most valuable assets. This is similar to a floundering country in the Middle East - Libya, for example - not willing to distribute its oil to the rest of the world because of different political ideologies. I know this had nothing to do with football, but too bad. Also, good luck to Andy Dalton, who threw an interception on his first pass in preseason. Thank god for AJ Green.

Is Andy Dalton wearing a helmet? Never trust a ginger..

AFC East

1. New York Jets - After losing out on Nnamdi Asomugha, Rex Ryan bit the bullet and brought back Antonio Cromartie. Plaxico Burress adds another redzone target for Mark Sanchez, who has to get better and more consistent this season for the Jets to play in the Super Bowl. Bringing in Derrick Mason should help alleviate the loss of Braylon Edwards, but this is going to come down to two things: defense and stopping Tom Brady when it counts. The Jets did it last season in the playoffs against the Patriots. I'd like to see it happen again.

Maybe the next time Rex Ryan has a foot fetish, Plaxico Burress can shoot his foot...

2. New England Patriots - The Patriots did what the Patriots do - bring in malcontents and offer hope to the rest of the civilized world that anyone can be fixed with proper guidance. Albert Haynesworth and Chad Ochocinco are going to have to abide by Bill Belicheck's rules or they'll be out of there by the time the regular season starts. Let's see what the defensive line of the Patriots looks like come Week 1. Expect the Patriots to play many 4-3 fronts with Carter-Haynesworth-Wilfork-Ellis. That's scary anyway you look at it. But can they beat the Jets? Belichek is going to have to figure out a way to win his first playoff game since cheat-gate was exposed and he lost in the Super Bowl to the Giants.

3. Miami Dolphins - Dolphin fans are idiots. I understand not being happy with Chad Henne, but clamoring for Kyle Orton? Really? For this, I'd like to refer to Bunk Moreland, he of The Wire fame: "Makes me sick motherfucker, how far we done fell."

Bunk telling it like it is. Omar listenin'.

4. Buffalo Bills - The Bills trading Lee Evans told me two things, one which I already knew: 1. Ralph Wilson is the cheapest owner in the NFL and was just looking for a way to move Lee Evans' contract off the books 2. The Bills are not really satisfied with Ryan Fitzpatrick and Tyler Thigpen and are entering themselves in the Andrew Luck sweepstakes. I wonder who Steve Johnson will blame this year for his drops in the endzone...maybe Godzilla?