An Open Letter to.....Everyone?

While living my life last week, surrounded by sports (typical) and The Wire (thank you Arun Reghunathan and Mihir Brahmbhatt - two fine gentleman, not cab drivers or your local 7-11 workers - although my main man at 7-11 is named Balbir...), I got to thinking about the problems of the world. We hear so much speculation through the media, politicians, celebrities,  truckers, homeless guys on the subway, and finally athletes. Enough of the speculation. The world would be a lot better if people took direct action SO I (from the safety of the Internet) am going to write an open letter to those who I feel are running rampant of the World's moral code.

"What the fuck did I do?"

Dear Lebron James,

Why the hell are you complaining about being fouled? You are a physical beast, you get every foul call anyway, and God forbid Maurice Evans doesn't let you barge down the lane untouched for a dunk. Lebron, you are ruining the game for everyone else - first, you ditch Cleveland (can't blame you...Cleveland sucks), second, you team up with Dwayne Wade and Tiddlywinks, third you want Dan Gilbert to open up his arms for your entourage, and finally you don't come out for the starting lineups in Cleveland because you were in the bathroom - THE BATHROOM?! Who goes to the bathroom during the starting lineup presentations?! What are you, five years old?! BRIAN SCALABRINE WOULDN'T DO THAT! Your legacy is just dying every second you live Remember when you said you would win "Not one championship, not two, not three,
not four..."? You were right. You're winning 0.

Crying won't get you championships, Lebron.

Dear John Wall,

I love you. Standing up to Zydraunas Ilgauskas and Juwan Howard - two men who are nearly a foot taller than you just made you the leader of this team for the next 10 years. Let's hope you get some damn pieces around you (Harrison cough Barnes cough) - make it happen Ted Leonsis. Make it happen.

Washington's waiting for you, Harrison.

Dear NCAA,

Don't change anything. Over the last week, everyone has been speculating about what the NCAA needs to do to change system so kids are not getting paid. You know what? 95% (a rough estimate with no mathematical calculations) of the student-athletes are not getting paid. You change the system for 5% (including allegedly four members of the beloved Auburn Tigers), then you are admitting defeat. Don't do it. Keep doling out sanctions and hopefully, someone, someday will get the message.

You are a snitch, Stanley McClover. A snitch.

Dear Shaka Smart,

You're going to be getting offers left and right regardless of whether you win the NCAA tournament. Don't leave VCU. What many people don't know is that you've won with former coach and current Alabama Coach Anthony Grant's players. If you go elsewhere and you find that you can't recruit, you're going to get canned with several years like another predecessor of yours - Jeff Capel. Atleast at VCU, you know they are never going to fire you.

Dear John Calipari,

Please beat Jim Calhoun. I have money on you yet again. You and I share a common bond. I've bet on you more than any other coach in college basketball. Please don't lose yet again in the Final Four. I believe in you. I've got to be like one of your three remaining supporters and make sure this Final Four isn't vacated too.

Dear Brad Stevens,

You've taken a mid-major to two straight final fours. The last person to do this - Jerry Tarkanian of the UNLV Runnin Rebels (Then again, the way UNLV recruited players, it was more like a professional team, not a mid-major). Please don't follow in his footsteps and become the poster boy for NCAA violations. I really hope what you've done over the last two years is as legitimate as you and your program seems. It's the best feel good story in a while. 

JIM CALHOUN           VS.       JOHN CALIPARI

Will Calhoun's Scottish/Irish mob...

or will Calipari's Italian mafia prevail?

 

 

 This Final Four is also the Final Four of Coaches - the biggest stories on each team is the coach. More people know Brad Stevens, Shaka Smart, John Calipari, and Jim Calhoun than they do Matt Howard, Jamie Skeen, Brandon Knight, or Kemba Walker. I hope you will stay at Butler and make them a perennial power - in two years, you have already surpassed what Mark Few has done with Gonzaga for nearly 15 years. Well done.

Going back to the comparison between you and Jerry Tarkanian, I hope you realize what you have done. You have taken completely undertalented teams with only one NBA player (thus far - Shelvin Mack and perhaps Matt Howard might join Gordan Hayward next year) to back to back final fours. Remember, those UNLV teams had Larry Johnson - the #1 overall pick in 1991, Stacey Augmon - perhaps the best college defender of the 1990's and another lottery pick, Greg Anthony - a longtime NBA point guard and yet, another lottery pick, and Anderson Hunt - the 1990 Final Four MVP. If Brad Stevens does not win National Coach of the Year (which he hasn't...thank you tournament choker and Adarsh Kannan Bracket Killer Mike Brey).

Picking between you and Shaka Smart is like taking a prisoner on death row to the playboy mansion for his last conjugal visit...it's a win-win/lose-lose situation. That being said. YOU ARE WINNING THE CHAMPIONSHIP BUTLER (please let Gus Johnson call this game...please!)

 BRAD STEVENS       VS.       SHAKA SMART

How can you pick between Marissa Miller

and Jenny McCarthy (in her prime)?

   

Dear Mizzou fans,

First you lose to Cincinatti in the first round of the tournament, then Mike Anderson, after saying he wants to stay in Columbia, leaves to Fayetteville, without even attending his press conference and then Matt Painter says yes to you...only to spurn you hours later. Sucks to be you Mizzou basketball. Sucks to be you.

Get used to it Mizzou fans. It ain't over yet.

P.S. Don't even dream about Brad Stevens or Shaka Smart. Kim Anderson (Coach of Central Missouri) is your best bet.

Dear Mahendra Singh Dhoni,

It's a bird, it's a plane....no IT'S DHONI!

Please beat Sri Lanka tomorrow. This is what it's all about. This whole tournament means nothing if India chokes in the Finals again. 2003 has been erased from my memory and so has 2007. It's all about 2011. You won the biggest match in your captaincy against Pakistan under immense pressure and ridiculous circumstances. Great decisions before the match (including one I doubted - dropping Ashwin and picking up Nehra), and during the match as well. Regardless, I'm going to give you my advice anyway and this is the XI, I'd go with tomorrow - 1. Tendulkar, 2. Sehwag, 3. Kohli, 4. Yuvraj, 5. Dhoni, 6. Raina, 7. Pathan, 8. Harbhajan, 9. Zaheer, 10. Sreesanth, 11. Patel.

I replaced Gambhir with Pathan and Nehra with Sreesanth - if Nehra is hurt. Gambhir has not performed at all in this tournament and Pathan would add some punch to a middle order that has badly collapsed in the last several matches, especially in the last ten overs. I also did not choose Ashwin because the Sri Lankans totally destroy spinners, but hey, it's your team (and Kris Srikanth's and Gary Kirsten's and >1 billion Indians, but no pressure).

Finally, I would like to say, please send Misbah-Ul-Haq a box of chocolates or something. I don't think I need to explain why.

P.S. Please ****ing win. You'll get to see model Poonam Pandey naked (what a name...Poonam...)!

Poontang Pandey (just kidding about the Poontang)

Dear potential gamblers,

Do not, under any circumstances, take these picks (they're mine) - unless you have some sadistic urge to lose money.

Semifinals: Butler over VCU, Kentucky over UConn
Finals: Butler over Kentucky - the great white hope lives on.

AND FINALLY, ONE LAST LETTER....

Dear Libyan citizens,

Stop protesting against Ghadafi/Gaddafi/Quaddafi/Khadafi/Jumanji. He is a nice man and has done much good for your country. He doesn't deserve your wrath. He reminds me of Mother Teresa, Martin Luther King Jr., and Jesus rolled into one. Respect him as he has done his best for the people of Libya.

A great man and a revolutionary leader. Please don't disrespect him, Libya.

P.S. April Fools! Burn him alive. 
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I'm going to try something new for the three people who read this blog...email me questions at adarsh.kannan90@gmail.com with "dailydarsh" in the subject line. Tell your friends.